211 posts from 2008

The following was written from one-ish to three in the morning. Or something. I was really tired. Just so you know.

Here we go.

For most people, New Year's Eve is a time to look back at what they did for the last 364 days. They think about the trips to see family. Concerts they saw, games they went to and what they thought was the best movie of the year. They'll think about  the friends they met and the love they lost. It's a "In 2008 I -enter what you did-" form. And I can do that, but there is more to say before I do.

The year started out like all the other 22 of my life. I had past regrets to dwell on and failed hopes to forget. I made my plans, thought about what I wanted and what I should do. I even told myself I'd get in shape. I made a few small steps to meet my goals, content because it was more than I had ever bothered to do before. Any progress was good progress.

In a way I didn't do much of anything in 2008. I kept the same job, didn't meet any new friends, and the good progress that was any was slow indeed. It was good enough though. I would get my license eventually, I could graduate school anytime and the monthly game nights with coworkers was more action than I had ever gotten in my entire life. I even went to Mt. Charleston with Caprice. That's like taking an impromptu trip to Europe for a guy that doesn't do much besides walk to work.

And then Mae left the library. That was tough, but change isn't always a bad thing. Right? Right. Then things really started changing. 

Kenna got cancer. That's not something you can just put off or ignore. I obviously didn't take it very well. Nobody did. How could anybody?

Priorities changed then. It was hard to decide whether my goals were more important than ever or meaningless. I was leaning towards the latter before I hit what might be the lowest point of my life. But that's a story for another time. Point is, I had to decide if I wanted to be pissed off at the world or grow up and try to make it better.

I went with pissed off for a while.

And it's not just Kenna. I've got plenty to be angry about. The library management making a difficult time as difficult as it could be, my school abandoning my degree and leaving me to fend for myself. Our Place closing. Trick is, it's hard to live your life doing nothing. You have to come out to eat sometime.

I remember as a kid I would get so upset over the stupidest things. I'd barricade myself in my room and dwell on how horrible I had it, knowing that life would never get better. But it did. After a few hours or so I'd run out of tears and...well I'd get bored. Eventually I'd sneak out and keep to myself, but when your house isn't very big it's hard to find alone time and I'd be forced to interact with everyone else. By the next day it would be over.

This isn't quite the same thing. Not quite, but close. Because I don't believe that there's a balance between good and evil in the world. Good things happen. Bad things happen. There isn't any amount of good that can make up for what Kenna is going through. But good things happen anyway.

I got to hang out with Nate and Bethany, something I'll never forget. I rode a bus for the first (and probably last time). I haven't kept up with it but I made my first real dinner. I got stuck with jury duty but got out of it. And the time I had to spend waiting to be freed kick started my moleskine drawing. The first book is going to be finished today. I went to two concerts with my friends. And I know I want more of that!

I have an awesome computer setup now, even if I haven't taken advantage of it like I should. Not to mention my camera, once I got it working right. I have a pool table now too, thanks to Mae, so the number of friends I have should start skyrocketing. And there were weddings! Nicole got married! Nicole had a dang baby!  And the pizza. So much good pizza this year. And the Red Robin thing with Caprice is the best habit I've ever made, after breathing.

Also an election or something. More importantly, I ran (walked) a marathon (half marathon). And it snowed! IT SNOWED!

 I finished that blasted home video to dvd project. And I took the last math test of my life for a class so horrible my friends had to nearly physically force me to stay in the class. Which would have been a shame because I'd have missed out on a lot of interesting sights from the long walk home. And it's also the last time I'll have to (might still) walk to school, or anywhere because I finally got my drivers license. There's plenty of emotional baggage there to talk about later.

It was getting the license, though, that got me really thinking. This was a seven year headache, finally over. And how did it feel? Was I relieved? Happy? Thrilled?! None of that. I didn't feel anything. Sure it was nice to have gotten it on the third try, to never had to take the stupid test again. But it didn't feel like anything had changed. Instead it felt normal. Why should it feel any different? I'm 23. I should have had my license a long time ago. This is how it's supposed to feel, because it's what it's supposed to be.  

And here we come to the point. Life sucks. Without exception. But so what? Knowing that, should we give up on trying to be happy? Do we collectively say "screw it, I'm done" and stay in bed until we stop breathing. We are all going to die. That's the way it's supposed to be. But the fact of our ending has absolutely no bearing on what we do before then. It's up to us. That's the point of an empty canvas. You can paint whatever you want on it. It might turn out horrible, but until you put acrylic to the brush it's empty and purposeless.

Leaves. I had a lot of them. Back in Massachusetts I found a pretty leaf and knew I should do something with it. Then I found another one and I began collecting them. I wanted to give them to Kenna. I would frame them, label what they were and where I got it. I hoped that by looking at them she would want to see their home for herself. An incentive that, if it couldn't give her hope would at least prevent her from giving up hope. I knew it would be too much to give them to her all at once so I had a plan to stagger them. One framed leaf a week, one reason to see her every week. The leaves became a way of measuring time: every leaf she received was another week she was still alive. And now I'm out. I gave her the last frame the last week of the year. What are the odds of that?

A leaf isn't going to keep her alive. The best I can hope for is that they made her happy. It's up to God now, as is the popular saying. But I'll be damned if I'm giving up on her. But I understand now that, no matter what happens, I have my own life to live. Kenna being diagnosed with cancer, getting my license and framing a few months worth of leaves together made me come to the slow realization of what living my life really means. It doesn't matter if life turns like how I think I want it to. Because as smart as I am I have no clue what is going to happen on January first, or any day after that. That's how it's supposed to be.

In 2008, I grew up.

Mostly. Kind of. Well I'm working on it..But that's what the rest of my life is for. 

June 17 2008

Show us something teenie-tiny.

Tiny Things Here

Which new friendship formed in 2008 is the most special to you? How did that person come into your life?

I don't think I actually formed any new friendships this year. I may have developed stronger relationships to a few friends I already had though. To varying degrees. But new people? Didn't meet any. Not in real life or the internet.

Wait.

I just realized that I met Autumn this year. So that means by default Autumn is the most special new friend. And she came into my life via being AJs girlfriend and coming to my awesome Rock Band birthday party.

There's a lot of crazy people at the library today. I'm only saying that now because I'm safely home. My sister and Nicole still have twenty minutes left. For now I'll tell you about two specifically crazy people.

First, there's the crazy lady. I saw her when she came in, but didn't know she was crazy until she yelled at her child "leave me alone, you're bothering me!". She's a clear example of an irritable, probably still needs a parent herself crazy person. Later, she started talking to Nicole for ten minutes about dolls or something? You'll have to ask Nicole for those details. In any case Elizabeth had to call her on the phone with a fake question to save her. So there's that.

Then there was the crazy person I had to deal with. Crazy child actually. From the start I wasn't sure if he was just overly social or lacking social abilities. This was our first conversation.

Crazy kid: Oh cool! (in reference to the hanging snowflakes above the desk)

Seth: thanks.

Crazy kid: Did you make these?!

Seth: Er. No. But thanks all the same.

Crazy kid: How did they paint them?

Seth: I think they just used spray glue and threw some glitter on it

Crazy kid: With what?

Seth: Spray..on glue.

Crazy kid: What?

Seth: Spray on glue. It's glue. That come in a spray can.

Crazy kid: But how did they paint this?

Seth:...With spray on glue. And glitter.

Crazy kid: No. (becoming agitated). I'm wondering how they painted THIS. (gesturing to the snowflakes)

Seth: Um..well I guess that part was already painted when they bought them?

Crazy kid: How did they paint it?

Seth: It was already painted when they got it.

Crazy kid: But I'm wondering how it was painted.

Seth: They bought them. They just bought them like that.

Crazy kid: Oh. But how did they-

That went on like that for a while.

Later

The kid came up to me later that day. Well, he was hanging around for a long time since and causing us all sorts of annoyance, but this is a specific occurrence. He comes up to me and, after leaning on the desk for a good ten minutes doing nothing, asked about getting a library card. I pointed him towards the desk and after another confusing conversation finally got him to leave. Then he comes back and asks if we're part of the Vegas district. I tell him we're not, and then he starts another confusing conversation where I explain that you just need an ID to get a card. He asks me to go with him and tell his mother in person, because she won't believe him. I refused as politely as I could. No way I wanted to see what kind of mother he had. Then he comes back with his mother.

It was the crazy lady as mentioned above.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! Horrible, horrible sense. There was a three minute storm of her complaining to me to tell her kid and him telling me to tell her I don't know what and blah blah blah and they left. For the moment. We spent a good part of the next hour avoiding the desk and hiding.

Also: there was poop.

I asked Elizabeth to do some reference librarian work and find out why there were so many crazy people today. Was there a crazy people convention downtown? Is Las Vegas busing crazy people to Henderson? What up? After some research we came up with this: There's a new moon.

http://www.spiritualresearchfoundation.org/articles/id/spiritualresearch/spiritualscience/spiritualeffectofmoon_on_man#5

The lady that wrote it sounds crazy. And since it's about crazy people, and she's crazy, it must be true!

Which reminded me of this:

IT'S ALL TRUEEEEE ok I'm just going to sit on the couch and just not think the rest of the night. Just to be safe.
http://www.youtube.com/dbootsthediva

What was the bravest thing you did in 2008?
Submitted by TheFiercestCalm.

Hmm. Nothing. I could go through my Flickr and see if anything particularly brave happened, but just thinking about it I did nothing brave. When opportunity knocked, I hid behind the couch. When adversity struck I took a beating. When my friends needed me most I wasn't there for them. When I had a chance, I didn't take it.

But then again I've got four days left...

For the past decade or so I've been dead-set against making New Year's resolutions. It's for the same reason that I'm against the concept of cleaning your act up to impress someone or dieting for swimsuit season.For a personal change to stick, really stick, you have to want it. New Year's resolutions are known for being broken- not achieved.

Having said that, I'm going to make a list of New Year's Resolutions. I finally have to admit that I'm the kind of guy to obstinately refuse even a good idea if I think it's popular for the wrong reasons. And instead of waiting for the inevitable Vox QotD I'm going to make the list now, while I'm still slightly nauseated from the various excesses of the holidays. Mmm. Fried burritos. I don't think I could ever cope with a "traditional" Xmas dinner. 

1. The Generic "I have to get in shape" Resolution

I bought my mom Wii Fit for Christmas. We did the profile set ups and our family isn't in great shape. (I will point out, however, that while I was in the "obese" weight category, I was a mere 35 while my sister, in the "normal" weight category was 38. We think it was because of her poor balance).

Getting in shape isn't hard for me at all. Unfortunately it's even easier to not do anything. We have a 3-month program going on the Wii Fit, so we'll see how that works out. Unfortunately I'm broke and my rec center subscriction to the excersise room expires Jan. 1. Which brings us to the next one...

2. The Not Quite But Almost As Generic "I have to save money" Resolution

I'm broke. 'Nuff said.

3. The Whiney "What the heck am I doing with my life?" Resolution

 Ugh. There are a couple job openings at the new library we're obtaining that I need to apply for. But I keep putting it off for tomorrow. Partly because I'm lazy, partly because it's going to be horrible over there, but mostly because I don't want to leave Gibson. And I have a feeling that when I leave, I won't be able to come back. I've learned from experience that it's futile to attempt to ignore the tides of change, I get that. But this is the first job I've had that I didn't want to quit in the first four months. If I go to the new library I'll be back to working for a paycheck and a paycheck only. I'll be miserable, and I hate knowning that.

But I still gotta apply.

4. The Obligatory "I need to work on my creative side" Resolution

I'm just about done with all the long-term projects on the crafty/artsy side of things. Now I really need to focus on improving what I do, and that means practice, practice, expensive trips to the bookstore.

5. The Probably Pointless "It's time I started being more sociable" Resolution

I've finally come to an understanding that there's a difference between stepping outside of my comfort zone and forcing myself to go to places I don't like with people I don't enjoy. The only way to figure out which is which is to actually go out and do stuff.

6. The Last Minute "Oh yeah and get rid of stuff too" Resolution

I almost forgot to add "get rid of stuff". It's been a theme of mine for the past couple of years so I need not go into details. Long story short I'd like this to be the last year I even have to question if I own something I don't really need.

So my sister and I are watching the first season of How I Met Your Mother. It was at the episode where Lily and Marshall were planning their wedding and she mentioned inviting 200 people.

I had always thought about this. Who would I invite to my theoretical wedding? So, finally, I made a list. A theoretical list of wedding invites. I'm working on the assumptions that A) I won't be marrying someone on the list which would make the list one short and B) I'm not going to travel through a portal of space and time and marry someone there.

I couldn't think of any more than 50. Really just 30ish of those people I wouldn't be inviting out of politeness. Mid to high 30ish. One fictional character.

If I fall in love with a friendless orphan this will be a crazy easy wedding to plan.

And Barney Stinson would come to my wedding, just you wait!

Two awesome things:

1. My iPod has been on a shuffle roll. It's been three days and I haven't had to skip a song yet. This is much better than it's usual habit of playing things I hear too often, or didn't like in the first place. And that one stupid Anastasia song I hate so much now.

2. I finally got the media sync to work on my Blackberry Storm, which means I can listen to iTunes music on it now. Wheee!

Now I must do things!

A follow up to the previous update:

I can tell that it's almost Christmas, because I don't feel like getting any work done. It's just like back in High School before winter break.

Except that I don't get a break.

And I have to do my work.

Doesn't mean I'm going to. But I should.